From time to time, we here at Furniture Porn get very special letters. Letters that deserve a special response. Letters that we want to share with the whole Internet. So here they are! We would like to stress that these are all real, actual emails and not ones we made up for sh*ts and giggles. All the original spelling, grammar and punctuation has been left intact. All email addresses have been deleted to protect the innocent, the guilty and the not guilty by reason of insanity.
Since you all know so much about how to turn furniture on, ive got this
vibrating recliner and she just hasnt been enjoying me too much anymore and
my poor bed is all white now, how do i clean that off without my lovely lazy
girl (i hope) knowing, i really love that chair.
Dear Netizen,
Thank you for your interest in the Furniture Porn web site
(http://www.furnitureporn.com). We here at Furniture Porn are proud to
serve the debased needs and bestial lusts of the World Wide Web
community. We hope to continue to serve those needs in the new
millennium.
You have expressed interest in: expressing problems of the heart.
Thank you writing. We're glad you enjoy our site. We also appreciate
that you think enough of us to seek our advice on your furniture related
romantic troubles. However, we would be neglecting our duty to you, and
all websurfing netizens, if we did not point out two very important
facts: One, we're a hardcore porno site. Two, that makes us really,
really not qualified to offer advice on love or relationships.
However, you are obviously in a great deal of pain over your problem. We
urge you to seek professional counseling, preferably from a licensed
furniture restorer, or a furniture salesman with no less than 10 years
experience. Failing that, please try talking with your local priest,
rabbi, imam or shaman, but feel free to give them a fake name.
Good luck, and thank you for your interest. We hope you will continue to
enjoy Furniture Porn in the future.
Sincerely,
The Furniture Porn Webmaster
I've got to tell you something your friends won't tell you... your porn
furniture is so painfully lame and boringly unfunny, you should be tried in
a court of law. leave humor to the professionals. please.
rdh
Dear Netizen,
Thank you for your input! We always appreciate any feedback. However, we feel a
need to make a few points clear:
1. Our friends have no problem telling us how painfully lame or boringly
unfunny we are.
2. We are, and have been for the past 4 years, being tried in a court of law
with regards to our Furniture Porn site.
C. We are humor professionals.
Perhaps we need to make something clear to help you with your understanding of
our Furniture Porn site. It's intention is not humor, as you suggest, but
rather erotic pleasure. We hope that, with this knowledge in mind, you will be
able to fully enjoy all the erotic potential our site has to offer.
Thanks again for your input and happy masturbating!
Sincerely,
The Furniture Porn Webmaster
how come all the furniture is labeled as gay teenage sluts. I dont
apperciate u naming furniture thats "fucking" after gay teen sluts. i find it offensive . even though im not gay that could hurt teens feelings cause
were not all gay sluty chairs!!!!
Dear Netizen,
Thank you for your interest in the Furniture Porn web site
(http://www.furnitureporn.com). We here at Furniture Porn are proud to serve
the debased needs and bestial lusts of the World Wide Web community. We hope
to continue to serve those needs into the new millennium.
You have asked: how come all the furniture is labeled as gay teenage sluts?
Thank you for your interest. Please rest assured that only one of our four
pictorials is homosexual. The other three pictorials are strictly
heterosexual. Neither is it our intention to single out homosexual furniture
as being particularly "slutty." I think you will find our heterosexual
furniture just as wanton and sleazy as the homosexual furniture.
Further, we especially do not wish to insult homosexual furniture or the
homosexual furniture community by tarring them all with the same "slut"
brush. Nothing could be further from the truth. Most pieces of homosexual
furniture are fine, upstanding members of their community. It is only those
three homosexual chairs in the pictorial in question that are sluts, and
their sluttish behavior is more than amply illustrated by the many hot, hot
photos of them getting their freak on, in a very hot and sluttish manner. It
is coincidence really that they are all teens, as well.
We take your criticism to heart, though, and promise that we will add a
future pictorial depicting a loving, caring, strictly monogamous consenting
adult homosexual furniture couple gently pleasuring each other as equals.
Once again, thank you for your interest and we hope you will continue to
enjoy Furniture Porn in the future.
Sincerely,
The Furniture Porn Webmaster
Spett.le Furnporn ,
We really hope neither to disturb you nor to violate your privacy in any
way,but we just would like to communicate you this commercial message.
We send you this e-mail to let you know Rossetti Lera new Web Site, an
italian company which produces leather sofas for house and office. The web
site doesn't create only a contact with the company, but also allows you to
view all the catalogue, to request detailed and accurate informations.
Moreover, Rossetti Lera's resellers can, through the reserved access area of
the site, compile directly on-line their orders, view the country-related
price list and be always updated regarding important news about house
furnitures.
You can find the site at www.rossettilera.it
For informations regarding the company: info@rossettilera.it
If you are not interested in this commercial offert, we kindly ask you to
click on the address below to unregister from our mailing-list.
Best regards
www.rossettilera.it
Dear Sir or Madam,
Thank you for the email announcing the web site of the Rossetti Lera
company. We can see that you are makers of a quality product, and are
honored that you saw fit to include us on your no doubt highly selective
announcement list. We would definitely be interested in featuring your
products on our website (http://www.furnitureporn.com). If you are
amenable, we would like you to send us several free samples at no cost
to us. In exchange we guarantee will put up a new section of
approximately 6-10 pictures prominently featuring the aforementioned
free samples. In addition, each picture will have a caption declaring
"Leather Sofa Courtesy of the Rossetti Lera Company." There will also be
a link back to your company's website. We feel the free advertising and
public goodwill generated by this move would more than offset the cost
to you of the samples and shipping them to us.
Furniture can be sent to:
2035 Westwood Blvd. Suite 209
Los Angeles, CA 90025
USA
Thank you for your interest. We hope you enjoyed our site!
Sincerely,
The Furniture Porn Webmaster
[ed. note: We have yet to receive a response or any free furniture from the Rossetti Lera company]
You call this erotic? I have much better looking barely legal chairs than
you and I'm a professional photographer and I'm fixing to make my own damn
chair porn and put your ass out of business. I already have investment
bankers standing in line at my exclusive live furniture performances and I
know where to get some badass spam mail software and 100,000 e-mail
addresses for only $49.99 so you can just kiss your amateurish little
attempt at a chair porn website goodbye.
Dear Netizen,
Thank you for your interest in the Furniture Porn web site
(http://www.furnitureporn.com). We here at Furniture Porn are proud to serve
the debased needs and bestial lusts of the World Wide Web community. We hope
to continue to serve those needs into the new millennium.
You have expressed interest in: threatening our livelihood.
Thank you for your interest. We here at Furniture Porn support the capitalist principles of free market competition that make America great! Your superior resources and finances would seem to give you a clear advantage over our web site. However, we would like to point out that you do not have our extensive connections with the world of organized crime. They seem quite determined to keep a monopoly on the highly profitable world of furniture pornography. While we at Furniture Porn support the principle of competition, we have no use for its actual application. We would ask that you please reconsider your actions or you will soon receive visits from our "business associates." Very unpleasant visits.
Once again, thank you for your interest and we hope you will continue to
enjoy Furniture Porn in the future.
Sincerely,
The Furniture Porn Webmaster
© copyright 1999; 2000 The Van Gogh-Goghs
